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DATING WISDOM

Do you keep meeting the same man/woman with a different face? Are you on a merry go round of failed relationships?  Are you spending a small fortune on dating events and coming up empty?  My book and workshops can help you.

CHAPTER THREE

Dump the Baggage

“To err is human; to forgive, divine.” 

—Alexander Pope

 

We all have baggage from past relationships, as well as baggage from childhood. There isn’t anyone who is exempt from accumulating some kind of baggage. Emotional baggage from the past gets piled up in the present. This baggage, at times, makes us feel needy, fearful, anxious and mistrusting. When we feel this way we attract needy, fearful, anxious people we can’t trust. Getting rid of the baggage is not easy, but it is an extremely important prerequisite to forming a healthy relationship, not only romantically, but with everyone.

Additionally, I don’t want to start a new relationship off with a lot of baggage on my back. Just visualize yourself walking through an airport with two large suitcases, a backpack, two overnight bags and a shopping bag. It would be a struggle to get from point A to point B. Now imagine you have one suitcase with those convenient wheels and a backpack. You would walk through the airport with ease, confidence and very little effort. It’s the same premise with emotional baggage. It weighs one down, inhibits and promotes stress. Therefore, it’s important to try to recognize it and work on it. Having the awareness is an important prerequisite to rid oneself of the emotional baggage.

Some people love to point fingers at others, look at their dysfunctions, and focus on their faults. When we judge another person usually we are projecting our own image of ourselves on them. Next time you judge someone, take a good look at yourself and see if what you are judging pertains to you. I look at myself when I have the impulse to judge someone to see if what I am judging pertains to me, and 99 percent of the time it’s a self-judgment. The focus should always be on myself and where I can improve, not on the other person.

I had a friend who complained about his last few girlfriends. He said, “They all do the same thing. When I tell them what I want in the relationship they try to change it around and tell me that is not really what I want, and they don’t hear me.”

So I told him, “If these women are all doing the same thing then maybe you should look at yourself and see what you are doing to contribute to this situation that is eliciting the same reaction from all these women.” I went on to suggest he look at himself and see if he could improve on the way he communicates for a more positive result. What I learned a long time ago is that if I want positive results from someone, I have to approach them in a positive way. When you keep getting the same negative response from people, it’s time to look at what you might be doing to contribute to this situation.

You might be asking yourself, “What does she mean by emotional baggage?” What I mean by emotional baggage is having character defects, fears, anxiety, trust issues, and a variety of additional character dysfunctions from past relationships, which interfere with finding a new partner for a healthy relationship. It can stop us from finding a truly good match; one could wind up on a merry-go-round of failed relationships. For the purpose of writing this book, what I am focused on is finding a man I can have a healthy, committed, relationship with. I know what a failed relationship is like from past experience; the key is to stop the pattern and find a true, lasting, loving, healthy, relationship that will work for me. However, I have to be emotionally healthy in order to form a healthy relationship. Awareness is a big factor in changing old patterns of behavior that keep me on the merry-go-round.

The most damaging consequence is when you find the perfect dream match; it could easily turn into a nightmare, because of the character defects from a prior relationship. What I mean is, even if you are fortunate enough to meet someone with whom there is a mutual attraction, if you have not worked on past issues, the potential relationship could end before it even starts.

So the next question might be, “How do I relinquish this debilitating emotional baggage?” I am going to suggest a few ways that can help, but the first step is to define the baggage. Think about what happened in your last relationship and try to find some character defects you may have picked up from that time in your life. Be very honest with yourself and don’t look at what your ex-partner did, but look only at your part in it. It takes two to tango in a relationship. This is a good time to define and recognize the character defects that came out of your previous relationship, or out of your childhood. Baggage comes from past relationships, including those with parents and siblings. To keep it simple, look at your last relationship issues.





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Copyright September, 2014 by Rachel Devine



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A NOVEL GIFT FOR THE UPCOMING HOLIDAYS
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