Why Do I Keep Attracting Narcissistic Men? Rachel Devine

You might ask yourself at a certain point, like I did:

Why do I keep attracting narcissistic men into my life?

Part of the answer may lie in childhood.

How we first learned to experience love as children can become deeply embedded in us. Later in life, we may find ourselves drawn to what feels familiar.

We may not even realize it's happening because some of those early relationship patterns have become subconscious thoughts that navigate our lives as adults.

So think about how you experienced love growing up. Do any of these sound familiar to you?

1. Love had to be earned.
   Maybe you received the most attention or affection when you behaved, achieved something, pleased a parent, helped around the house, or took care of somebody else's needs. You may have learned that you had to prove your worth to receive love.

2. Affection was inconsistent.
   Sometimes a parent or caregiver was loving and available, and other times they were distant, rejecting or unpredictable. Later in life, that same inconsistency in a partner may somehow feel familiar.

3. Your parent's needs came first.
   Maybe you learned to pay attention to somebody else's moods and needs instead of asking, “What do I need?” This can lead to people-pleasing and constantly accommodating other people.

4. Your feelings weren't validated.
   Maybe sadness, anger, fear or disagreement was dismissed. Over time, you may have learned to question your own feelings instead of trusting them.

5. Your boundaries weren't respected.
   Maybe you didn't learn that it's okay to say no, disagree or want something different—and still be loved.

6. Conflict threatened the connection.
   Maybe disagreement resulted in anger, withdrawal or the silent treatment. You may have learned to work very hard to keep another person happy because losing that connection felt frightening.

For me, it was the first one.

As a middle child, one of the ways I got attention and love was by doing good deeds, helping around the house and being useful.

The message I took from that was:

Love had to be earned rather than simply given unconditionally.

And as a people-pleaser, I naturally became very comfortable helping other people.

So when I met needy or very self-centered men, I was only too happy to jump through hoops to help them.

I gave unconditionally.

And they needed the help.

Because of my childhood patterns, that dynamic felt natural to me.

Understanding this doesn't necessarily give you much solace when you look back at relationships that hurt you.

But it can give you something extremely important:

An understanding of why the same pattern may keep showing up.

For me, it helped me understand why I repeatedly became involved with men who were narcissistic, very self-centered or extremely needy.

And that brings us to the next question:

How do we break the pattern?

I believe the first step is uncovering where the pattern came from.

Because once you can see it, you can begin working on changing it.

And breaking that pattern is a little more involved, so that's exactly what I'm going to address in Part Two of “Why Do I Keep Attracting Narcissistic Men?”

How do we stop repeating what's familiar—and start choosing what's healthy?

I'll see you in Part Two.

Visit my youtube page, Love, Lies & Dating Advice, with Rachel Devine.

Claim your free life coach consultation, with Rachel Devine.

Learn the 9 signs of narcissistic traits.

See the video, Why Do I Keep Attracting Narcissistic Men, Part 1.

Dating Advice and the Best Dating Book

So, you started dating and all of a sudden culture shock sets in. You didn’t expect all the drama, chaos and confusion. You just want to date, however, there are so many obstacles you have to jump over just to get a date, that it makes your head spin. You might ask yourself, what is going on with dating these days?

Well, dating is quite a trip for those who are new to it, and even for those who are veterans. Now you are in search of fun ways to date. Perhaps you want to get the best book for dating and relationships or a deeper dating book, which can help you forge ahead with clarity. Perhaps you need a dater’s handbook. I would imagine you want to get your hands on a book that will give you some good dating advice.

Let’s explore some ideas on dating advice and I will introduce you to the best dating advice book.

Define what you are Seeking: In order to find what you want, it is important to define what you are seeking. Some people just want to date, some want to get married, some want to get married and have children. Then there are those who want a serious relationship, while others might just want to have a friend with benefits. It’s very important to define what you are seeking, so you know exactly what to look for. Also, ask yourself if you are ready to date. That is a big question one must answer before proceeding with success.

Dump the Baggage: It’s very easy to say dating is hard and put the blame on others, when in actuality, the only person you have control over is yourself. Therefore, looking at yourself to see what part you play in the drama of dating is imperative. If you just got out of a relationship, then chances are you are not ready to date. Being able to look at your last relationship and any issues that came out of it, is important to move forward in a healthy way. If your ex-partner cheated on you, you very well could be resonating with trust issues. On the other hand, if your ex-partner was verbally abusive, then your self-esteem may be low. Or if your ex-partner ghosted you, you may be carrying around some fears from the last relationship. It’s important to evaluate what went on in that relationship, recognize what you might be holding onto and work on releasing those emotions before moving forward with dating. If you don’t work on the issues that came from the last relationship, you will bring those issues into your new relationship and it will fail before it even gets off the ground.

Healthy boundaries: If you were able to process the above, then you are ready to move forward with dating. You should know what you want, assure you are emotionally ready to obtain this and have worked through any issues from your past relationship. Setting healthy boundaries with online dating, and dating in general, will help you move forward in a more settled manner. Make a list of deal breakers and if the person you want to date breaks one, then you know that person is not for you. For instance, you might not tolerate someone who says they will call and doesn’t call. Or you may not tolerate someone online who starts off the bat with sexual innuendos. Or maybe a person who is separated is a red flag for you. This will save you a lot of drama and stress going forward. Also, make a list of attributes you want in a partner to further define what you are seeking.

Your Internet profile: Just a couple of pointers for a good internet profile. Do not put any pictures up that are over a year old. For guys, no pictures of bare chest. For woman, I would stay away from sexually provocative clothing. You want to add a few bust shots and one or two full length pictures. Pictures of you having fun are always good to put on a profile. Furthermore, keep your profile story about yourself brief, to approximately 2 or 3 short paragraphs. Incorporate things you like to do in your story that makes you interesting and highlights who you are. Once you make contact, the guy should ask to call you and have a conversation after 2 or 3 email exchanges. If that doesn’t happen, that is a red flag. If you don’t want to give your number out, you can always call the guy first. You can use *67 before his number to make your number private.

Scammers: These days, there are more internet scammers than ever. Do not ever give anyone your email address or phone number unless you trust them. If a scammer gets your email address my understanding, is they can overtake your computer. If a guy wants to go on WhatsApp or another site like that, chances are they are a scammer. A scammer is usually a person posing as a widow or widower, who has a child and is either an engineer or works on an oil rig or overseas in some capacity. Furthermore, if you do talk to one, they usually have a foreign accent. Be very careful, they are very tricky. They hook you emotionally and then try to bilk money out of you. If a guy or gal is already telling you how wonderful you are and how they can have a loving life of bliss with you within a day or two, chances are they are a scammer.

Successful dating: To recap, define what you are seeking in the world of dating. Then look at your last relationship and assure you worked out any issues that may have come out of it. Evaluate yourself and assure you are emotionally ready to date. Have a list of deal breakers, as well as a list of attributes you are looking for in a partner. Polish your internet profile. And keep an eye out for scammers.

In conclusion, these are some good dating tips on how to have a successful dating experience, without the drama and chaos. However, you are part of the journey. Try to have fun with dating. Afterall, dating should be fun, exciting and rewarding and remember, your state of mind determines a good portion of the outome.

Rachel Devine is the author of a valuable dater’s handbook called, “Lessons from the Needle in a Haystack - Become a Magnet for True Love ”