Why Do I Keep Attracting Narcissistic Men? Rachel Devine

You might ask yourself at a certain point, like I did:

Why do I keep attracting narcissistic men into my life?

Part of the answer may lie in childhood.

How we first learned to experience love as children can become deeply embedded in us. Later in life, we may find ourselves drawn to what feels familiar.

We may not even realize it's happening because some of those early relationship patterns have become subconscious thoughts that navigate our lives as adults.

So think about how you experienced love growing up. Do any of these sound familiar to you?

1. Love had to be earned.
   Maybe you received the most attention or affection when you behaved, achieved something, pleased a parent, helped around the house, or took care of somebody else's needs. You may have learned that you had to prove your worth to receive love.

2. Affection was inconsistent.
   Sometimes a parent or caregiver was loving and available, and other times they were distant, rejecting or unpredictable. Later in life, that same inconsistency in a partner may somehow feel familiar.

3. Your parent's needs came first.
   Maybe you learned to pay attention to somebody else's moods and needs instead of asking, “What do I need?” This can lead to people-pleasing and constantly accommodating other people.

4. Your feelings weren't validated.
   Maybe sadness, anger, fear or disagreement was dismissed. Over time, you may have learned to question your own feelings instead of trusting them.

5. Your boundaries weren't respected.
   Maybe you didn't learn that it's okay to say no, disagree or want something different—and still be loved.

6. Conflict threatened the connection.
   Maybe disagreement resulted in anger, withdrawal or the silent treatment. You may have learned to work very hard to keep another person happy because losing that connection felt frightening.

For me, it was the first one.

As a middle child, one of the ways I got attention and love was by doing good deeds, helping around the house and being useful.

The message I took from that was:

Love had to be earned rather than simply given unconditionally.

And as a people-pleaser, I naturally became very comfortable helping other people.

So when I met needy or very self-centered men, I was only too happy to jump through hoops to help them.

I gave unconditionally.

And they needed the help.

Because of my childhood patterns, that dynamic felt natural to me.

Understanding this doesn't necessarily give you much solace when you look back at relationships that hurt you.

But it can give you something extremely important:

An understanding of why the same pattern may keep showing up.

For me, it helped me understand why I repeatedly became involved with men who were narcissistic, very self-centered or extremely needy.

And that brings us to the next question:

How do we break the pattern?

I believe the first step is uncovering where the pattern came from.

Because once you can see it, you can begin working on changing it.

And breaking that pattern is a little more involved, so that's exactly what I'm going to address in Part Two of “Why Do I Keep Attracting Narcissistic Men?”

How do we stop repeating what's familiar—and start choosing what's healthy?

I'll see you in Part Two.

Visit my youtube page, Love, Lies & Dating Advice, with Rachel Devine.

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Learn the 9 signs of narcissistic traits.

See the video, Why Do I Keep Attracting Narcissistic Men, Part 1.